This morning, as I was reading over the Sheriff’s enlightening post, it hit me; we are not being respectful of those who might be so afflicted.
So, in an effort to help all the Tactards out there, here is the Empty Cases’ 10 step program to Tactard Recovery. (Sorry, if you’re a Tacron, there’s no help for you.)
Step 1: Admit you are a Tactard and accept that the smile you see on the faces of people you meet is nothing more than their attempt at stifling uncontrollable laughter.
Step 2: Sell your Glock and by a Colt Single Action Army and a case of .45 Colt ammo. (If you are suffering in this economy, a Ruger Blackhawk will suffice.)
Step 3: Place a photo of John Moses Browning on the wall above your bed. (Never heard of him? Click HERE.)
Step 4: Stop watching reruns of the Expendables and rent John Wayne’s last movie. (If you don’t know the name of that movie, recovery is questionable.)
Step 5: Burn every pair of fingerless gloves you own, buy a shovel and dig a hole. (The calluses will help your soft hands better manage a firearm.)
Step 6: Spend more quality time with your mom. (Stop stalking the mall on weekends looking for a shoplifter you can draw down on.)
Step 7: Find a photo of your Grandpa and pay particular attention to how he was dressed. (If your Grandfather is wearing tactical cargo pants, knee pads, a web belt and a ball cap with Velcro on the top, your affliction is genetic and there is no cure.)
Step 8: The next time you go to the range, try to actually hit targets instead of seeing how fast you can empty your Glock. (Recite this chant 20 times before bed each night; I cannot miss fast enough to win, I cannot miss fast enough to win…)
Step 9: Purchase a copy of the Sheriff’s latest CD, “West of Somewhere”, pick up a copy of Shooting Illustrated, pour three fingers of Jameson in a glass and sit out by the fire and listen to the tree frogs and some real music while you educate yourself.
Step 10: Buy an original assault rifle – a Marlin .30-30 – and 500 rounds of ammo. If, after firing the 500th shot you cannot hit an eight inch target, at 100 yards, while standing on your hid legs; forget steps one through nine and become a professional zombie hunter. Trust me, you’ll do just fine. Hell, you might even be able to draw unemployment.